Rethinking validation
I learned something curious about validation from clinical psychologist Caroline Fleck. She says (here) that, “Validation communicates mindfulness, understanding, and empathy in ways that convey acceptance."
And more importantly, she goes on to emphasize that validation is not praise, nor problem solving, nor agreement. Here’s how Fleck powerfully explains the first:
“Validation is not praise: Praise is a judgment. It says, “I like the way you look or perform.” Validation demonstrates acceptance. It says, “I accept who you are, independent of how you look or perform.” When people claim that we shouldn’t rely on “external validation,” they are confusing validation with praise.”
This made me see how musicians want validation to be these three things. We thirst for it. We can even thrive on it.
We definitely seek validation as praise. We want someone to approve of our work by complimenting us. We may seek validation as problem solving. We want someone to help us by giving us a solution to our problem. And we seek validation as agreement. We want someone to support us when we struggle by siding with us.
This all seems like normal behavior to expect from a mentor, colleague, or leader in our culture. And because we want to be good mentors, colleagues, and leaders, we do our best to partake in these forms of validation-giving.
What if validation is none of that? What if it is simply, like Fleck describes, conveying acceptance?
What if when we seek validation, we are really looking for acceptance? We want understanding for how the context of our situation makes our experience valid. We want mindfulness for how judgment (even positive judgment like praise) is not what is helpful right now. We want empathy for being an imperfect human who can have flawed beliefs or make flawed choices.
And for the validation-giver: What if agreement is not required to help someone feel understood? What if praise is not necessary for someone to feel seen? What if we focus on their experience rather than fixing it is more helpful?
Reconsidering validation in these ways can help us offer more grace to others, increase our connection to them, and be more effective as a leader.
How could you rethink your relationship to validation for yourself and your people?
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